Was Hillary Clinton wrong for staying with her husband, Bill, after yet another affair—this time with a White House intern? Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what she chose to do, but as a public figure, Ms. Clinton was the object of much gossip. In past generations, there was pressure to stay in the marriage and work it out, but as author Esther Perel notes, the “new shame” has become staying with your spouse when you have the option of leaving. Family and friends may shame you for hanging in there, but their assessment of the situation may not include all the variables. Your calculations may also include considerations of children, finances, cherished memories, fear, and hope.
My aim is not to convince you that you should stay or leave. You have to make the final determination. After all, you’re the one who has to live with the results of your decision. And it can be a complicated decision. If you’re like most spouses, you may have received a staggered disclosure. You didn’t receive the details of the sexual acting out in one tidy confession. You thought you knew everything and then found out there was more. And still more. Being hit by multiple disclosures can be traumatizing. You were left wondering, “Who is this person that I thought I knew? What unknowns will I find out next?”
I’m not saying it’s easy, but for those who choose to work through the issues, there is the possibility that the marriage can be not only saved, but taken to a better place never thought possible. The old marriage is gone, but there is hope for a renewed connection based on rebuilt trust and respect. It will take determination and work—both for the one who’s been acting out sexually and also for the partner. (And yes, it all seems so unfair. Why should the partner have to go to therapy and do all this work when it was the other person who brought this pain?) But as a therapist, I help couples create a way forward that involves a commitment to complete honesty, accountability, and making amends to the injured partner. I create a welcoming space to help you find your way back to a great relationship. Let me help you build a strong bond again. You’ve got nothing to lose by calling me.
