Most people understand what is meant by the boundaries of their yard or their property, but the concept of personal boundaries can be confusing. Being able to set good personal boundaries not only means that we know how to say “no” when we feel uncomfortable, but also that we can say “yes” to healthy intimacy and close friendships.
Those who have excessively rigid boundaries keep others at a distance, and those who have especially porous boundaries can get too involved and are overly trusting. Setting boundaries is not about punishing the other person, but about feeling safe in your relationships and situation.
We tend to vary our boundaries somewhat according to the settings of our lives. When we’re with a romantic partner (when we feel safe), our boundaries are usually more porous, but we may be more guarded at work.
We may have a mixture of boundary types with various friends. Boundaries tend to vary according to the culture in which we live – such as whether it’s culturally acceptable to express lots of emotion or to give hugs in public.
Types of boundaries can include physical boundaries (personal space and amount of physical touch), intellectual boundaries (respect for others’ ideas), emotional boundaries (respecting others’ feelings and the appropriateness of sharing one’s own), sexual boundaries (not pressuring others for sex or making lewd comments), material boundaries (stealing from or pressuring others to lend to you), and time boundaries (allocation of work and personal time; not demanding too much time of others). The examples I’ve given are just a summary to explain the concepts; there are other considerations as well.
How do you set your own boundaries?
One way to think about it is to ask yourself what your body is telling you. How you feel when someone makes a request of you? What emotions are stirred up? Do you feel more guarded? Angry? Irritated? Afraid?
While such questions can be helpful, considering how you feel about a possible boundary-crossing is not the only consideration. Even if you have mixed emotions or confusing body responses, you can appeal to your intellect by studying about ethics and healthy boundaries.
Once you have defined your boundaries, next consider how you stop people from crossing them. Do you call them on it, or do you give in? Be gentle with yourself if you aren’t used to setting boundaries. No one is perfect at it, especially at first, and some situations are harder to judge than others.
But the goal is to find a healthy balance between self-respect and respect for others. If you’re always the one who’s giving or taking, there might be a problem. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re being physically abused, get away from that setting. Even verbal abuse may require getting some physical distance.
Boundaries can be challenging to think through and tough to implement. As a therapist, I can help you see your situation from a broader perspective and ask the right questions so that you can make the best decision. I can also give you some clarity on how to put boundaries in place with the person who violated them. Together, we’ll figure things out. Call me now at (919) 533-7907.
