What brought you to this place? It may or may not be the first question that I as your therapist will ask you, but it’s a revealing question that you might ask yourself. What brought you to the place where you’re ready to begin working on your sex addiction? What brought you to the place where you’re ready to schedule that appointment, whereas in the past something always held you back or got in the way? Was it getting caught, or was it totaling up the money you’ve spent on porn or prostitutes? Was it an ultimatum from your partner, or was it the fatigue you’ve felt from hours of acting out? Was it the fear that this addiction would be your ultimate undoing, or was it the fear that you might lose your children’s respect? My goal is not to shame you, but to help you see that the answer to that question can be a helpful tool.
What brought you to this place? Whatever brought you here—to this critical moment in your life—can also be empowering and encouraging. When you’re in a moment of weakness and you’re not sure if you want to continue working on your recovery, remember what brought you here. Sobriety is not just about giving up something, but also about gaining something. The impetus that gave you the courage and determination to begin the journey can also propel you forward toward a better life.
What brought you to this place? Sex addiction is ultimately an intimacy disorder. Perhaps in your childhood, your caregivers weren’t so adept at being there for you, or even worse, were abusive. You didn’t connect with them in a healthy way and now you struggle to form the attachments with others that you need. A fear of intimacy permeates your life. You use sexual activity or pornography as substitutes for healthy relationships. Your “drug of choice” becomes a brain-numbing replacement. As Robert Weiss, the sex addiction expert writes, “Sex addicts are looking for controllable sources of getting themselves fed emotionally.” Perhaps you struggle with engaging in the kind of transparency, risk, and vulnerability that lead to secure attachments in your relationships.
What brought you to this place? Whatever your answer to that question may be, let it be the springboard to putting every ounce of your determination into moving forward. Let it impel you to do whatever it takes to find a life that is nurturing, healthy, and whole. You can’t do everything at once. Just take the first step. Give me a call. I would be honored to work with you as we examine that crucial question together.
